I don’t flinch
This man…he was nearly thirty-five and the hair on his crown was thinning out. His ass was sitting lower and his abs were feeling softer and his ways were setting harder. I have always wanted to love with my eyes wide open, and oh were they. There wasn’t a single “I could do better” that I didn’t counter in my own heart with some tender thought of watering the grass where I stood. But I think he was the kind of man who wanted to love with one eye blind and a plugged ear. He had little love or patience for either of our flaws, and wore a lot of hats. He had not lived with a woman since his mother kicked him out and I might have been the first, but fear is a nasty bitch.
Bitter experience
is the ballast of my heart
He had the kind of voice I would have killed to hear speak wedding vows. And hair on his proud chest I would run my fingers through, imagining a newborn’s puffy red face laid up against it, in some hospital room we’d never find. His hands were gentle in ways his words could not be, which really just made it harder to walk away. When he asked for my ring size, when we came up with middle names to sound right with “Garcia”, when we argued over paint and tile and sink fixtures we never installed…they were all his unprepared firsts. We visited a plant store once, and the reality of a woman who would buy plants and move his furniture was so heavy he had to get some air. It was like he was staring at a trail head wearing stiff jeans and thin sandals while I was caked in dust, looking more and more to him like someone who couldn’t hack the hike. And there’s a lot to be said for two unknowing idiots heading down a beaten path, being forced to figure out the knots and cliffs and always, always, always, the steep grade - together. You can be terrified of all the same things at the same time. But I came scuffed with a crooked nose, and through my broken teeth I said
Wife
Mother
Lover,
Make me a woman this time
My hands are not so gentle, and it is not such a bad thing, to have a callous where it counts. I have heard a vow and named a child and had my home sold behind my back and all the walls painted over in taupe. Can you believe that asshole picked taupe? To match some awful peel and stick stone tile he managed to lay uneven anyway. And still. Staring at a different trail head with a different man, arguing about different tiles and naming babies I had yet to conceive I said
Wife.
Mother.
Lover.
Again?
Yes,
Again.
It is all steep, and only one of us knows it. Only one us has fit their underwear in a drawer with someone else’s, then pulled it out to pack it in a box, then put it in another drawer, in another house, then another box, in another house, and on and on 10 more times while each time there is more stuff to pull apart, and less of you. Only one of us has been in the delivery room with a man on a laptop. Only one of us has watched the savings account drain to fund a rusted out project car they didn’t even know about, found surprise credit cards, begged not to be alone at couple’s counseling, and moved into the basement of a house that would be painted over in fucking bitch-boy taupe. Taupe is the color of small pebbles that stack and stack into a very steep grade, until they crumble and send you sliding all the way back to the trail head.
So? It is all steep.
I opened both of my eyes this time
Soft stomach, bad temper, thin hair
with a rich voice, gentle hands, and a proud chest
Fear is a nasty bitch
I know it
Yes,
Again.
Dex is a poet and former USMC Military Police Officer. You can follow her here.
What’s happening at VetRep…
VetRep is a finalist in the theater class for Hudson Valley Magazine’s “Best of Hudson Valley 2024”! The elimination ballot is live for the next round, so follow this link and vote for Veterans Repertory Theater!
Listen to our latest episode with Mitchel Coffman on the Savage Wonder Podcast, where we interview incredibly talented musicians, artists, writers, and theater professionals, who also happen to be veterans.
The parlor is back! Our first show of the season titled “Dunkirk…and Other Surprises” is a feature of seven veteran authored 10-minute plays. Join us for an evening of both drama and comedies, accompanied by dessert and a refreshing mocktail! Seating is limited and shows sell out fast, so get your tickets now and make sure you have a front-row seat with us on April 6th. Get your tickets here.
Simply stunning.