Today I threw a life away that no longer felt like my own.
I had kept it hidden in the shadows, much like the secrets that pushed me to leave.
A skeleton for each hanger and a box full of honorable shit that keeps me asking if it was all wasted time.
Unfolding tan t-shirts and camouflage fatigues was like unwrapping a past I am still conflicted over remembering.
I see photos of buddies buried at the bottom much like the coffins in which they now reside.
And the bracelets with names are fading away just like the life I decided to throw out today.
I tore down the awards and banners that covered my walls and set fire to a long paper trail.
Left medals and patches out at the dumpster where they'll be picked at by vultures who won't bother to ask why a fellow soldier left them there.
Free is free and it is easier to take when stories are left unknown.
As for those boots that were broken in Afghanistan, they now tread upon mountains that make the landfill across town.
But that whistle from BAF still sits on a shelf because I need something to hold my anger, though I would rather just let go.
Since I can't forget I wonder instead if the life I threw out today wasn't one I had already thrown out a decade ago.
Lani Hankins is a former Army female engagement team member and a veteran of Afghanistan. Follow her here. Listen to the Savage Wonder episode with her here.
She blogs and podcasts at Kruse Corner.
Bunny: Poems About Surviving Military Life by Lani Hankins
Bottled Away: Confessions of a Struggling Veteran by Lani Hankins
The Gaslit Heart: A Story of Service and Survival by Lani Hankins
Eased Pain: Poems About Surviving Domestic Violence by Lani Hankins
What’s happening at VetRep…
VetRep is thrilled to present “God of Carnage” by Yazmina Reza for the month of September. A playground altercation between eleven-year-old boys brings together two sets of Brooklyn parents for a meeting to resolve the matter. At first, diplomatic niceties are observed, but as the meeting progresses, and the rum flows, tensions emerge and the gloves come off, leaving the couples with more than just their liberal principles in tatters.
Tickets have been selling out, reserve yours before they’re gone!
We are currently offering multiple dates for our online and in-person Playwriting for Veterans classes, and our Acting for Beginners class is now being offered weekly every Saturday from 10am-12pm. Scholarships for qualifying veterans, as well as multi-class passes are available. Registration details can be found here.