"More, or Less, Human"
By Lani Hankins
You are not supposed to feel. Not here.
You are supposed to shove it all down and figure out how to not be so human
and the best way to override pain and fear, it seems,
is to get angry and to stay angry;
meet the hostility with more hostility.
And with being less human you see fewer humans
on the other side and from there doing as Patton says
and making some other bastard die for their country,
well…
I can only imagine that would get easier,
for some.
I got angry and I am angry still more than ten years later,
though, I am told I should not be
for who and what I was there.
I was not meant to be one of the soldiers
that had to be less human to do what needed to be done
and it is true, I struggled to turn that switch off.
But anger is human and a human I was
and a human I still am,
so each time someone died, that anger grew and it grew
and it continued to grow until nearly boiling over.
It began as fear 20120703 with Moosman.
It became sadness 20120714 with May.
It was anger by 20120801 with Lambka and Lopez.
It was boiling over on 20121109 with Nehl
and boiling over on 20121112 after Stillz.
it was borderline antagonistic by 20121116
with Hicks and Richardson,
then in December the killing stopped.
But the anger sat there just beneath the surface
where it stayed even as I boarded my flight out
and it was still there the moment I stepped foot
on American soil and it rode with me in the car back
to my apartment where I was left with nothing
but my thoughts and feelings.
And I was wrong.
Wrong for feeling, wrong for reacting,
wrong for being the human
I was expected to not be but was supposed to remain.
Now, there is nothing to do except sit with that, live with it,
and hope one day it fizzles out.
Lani Hankins is a former Army female engagement team member and a veteran of Afghanistan. Follow her here. Listen to the Savage Wonder episode with her here.
She blogs and podcasts at Kruse Corner.
Bunny: Poems About Surviving Military Life by Lani Hankins
Bottled Away: Confessions of a Struggling Veteran by Lani Hankins
The Gaslit Heart: A Story of Service and Survival by Lani Hankins
Eased Pain: Poems About Surviving Domestic Violence by Lani Hankins
What’s happening at VetRep…
Listen to our interview this week with Mike Schropp on the Savage Wonder Podcast.
VetRep is thrilled to present “God of Carnage” by Yazmina Reza for the month of September. A playground altercation between eleven-year-old boys brings together two sets of Brooklyn parents for a meeting to resolve the matter. At first, diplomatic niceties are observed, but as the meeting progresses, and the rum flows, tensions emerge and the gloves come off, leaving the couples with more than just their liberal principles in tatters.
Tickets have been selling out, reserve yours early before they’re gone!
We are currently offering multiple dates for our online Playwriting for Veterans classes, and our Acting for Beginners class is now being offered weekly every Saturday from 10am-12pm. Scholarships for qualifying veterans, as well as multi-class passes are available. Registration details can be found here.
Woww. Very powerrful.