"Fallen"
By The Blood and The Bones
They said the universe began with an explosion of space itself. The Big Bang. It’s fascinating, if you believe in that sort of thing.
I was taught creation, but always believed it was bigger than this. That God’s favorite subject was science and we might’ve been an accident.
Where am I in all of this? Did the universe combust for me?
Is it selfish to wonder this when the sky’s falling? When they tell us some day we’ll collapse in onto ourselves?
I can’t think of that. Not while the pages of books, the curve of a mountain, the tender hands of time have labeled me restless.
I was born with questions. Born to ask.
To search, to touch, to recoil. To feel but beg to be left alone. To seek deeper than a mind can go. To lack true connection not for want of effort but because I’m an alien in this land. The speck the universe created with no canvas.
I am foreign for all I think about is motherhood’s guilt. And what must be lost to be found. And if a writer is meant to be forgiven. Or if a painter can ever see the world without a frame.
There are books to tell us what to believe. Should I cease asking?
God said on the 7th day to rest. Created us in his image.
But did he say somewhere..somewhere I haven’t had the enlightenment to read just yet..
That he made some of us so imperfect. So wretchedly flawed that our hearts and minds are sponges. Uneasy. Born to seek forever for what probably doesn’t even exist.
Is this what the fallen angel felt? What a waste.
Did God know that some were so very wicked for not wanting what wanted us back and that we must reach a certain unknown tier of pain for redemption?
Maybe this is why people turn to Buddhism? At least then you have a goal. Or even atheism to believe in nothing.
Is there a verse on restlessness, on fire ravaged forests where we keep trying to live, of voices we can’t quiet? Ones that say go here, that’s where it is.
Does it teach us how to wait? To tell my soul that this is IT. This is where I was always headed..what being alive is.
And to stop asking how many levels it takes to silence the mind of one who was brave enough and foolish enough to want to know everything?
The Blood and the Bones is the pseudonym for a former lover of a US servicemember. Follow her here.
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